The Saturday 7

So what do you want today? The highlight reel or the nitty gritty? How about a little of both?

1. Sunday found us back in front of the TV for church. Our wonderful worship pastor and his wonderful wife led worship, but it's just not the same singing at home as it is with a large group of people. I'm really starting to miss going to actual church.

Highlight reel part 1: children coloring quietly while we listen to the sermon

Sunday morning nourishment for mind AND body

Real life: Lucy was furious that we made her listen to the sermon with us. She sat with her face buried in her tablet "reading" the whole time.

That afternoon, Lena, Levi, and I did a puzzle.

It would have been much easier without them. Lol

Tada!

2. On MondayI was feeling motivated and told the girls I'd play salon with them. 2.5 hours later I realized I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Lol. Everything had to be fair. Lena did my hair, so then Lucy had to do it. I did Lucy's make-up, so then I had to do Lena's. And of course Levi couldn't be left out! It was quite the event.

Lucy's handiwork 

My make-up job on Lucy. She even let me pull her hair back. Look how old she looks!!

My make-up job on Lena - not quite as dramatic. 

I finally caved and painted Levi's toenails. No one's going to see him for months anyway. Except all you, now . . .

Lena's handiwork in my hair

Another style

My make up with the make up artist.

My finished manicure.

2. Tuesday started out well . . .

But by that afternoon I was starting to feel claustrophobic again.

I decided to go get Qdoba for dinner, which ended up being a debacle. I ordered online and chose the "curbside pickup" option. The instructions said to call when I arrived and someone would bring out my food. I called, but kept getting a busy signal. So I finally just went in and asked for it. They pointed me to a large shelving unit filled with to-go bags. I found one with my name on it, peeked inside and saw 2 burrito bowls plus a burrito. We didn't order a burrito. I waited for an employee to catch my eye, told her I didn't order the burrito and didn't get the chips and queso I did order. She rectified that and I left. When I got home, I pulled out Justin's burrito bowl to get mine at the bottom. Except, this is what I saw . . .

🤦😭

Not what I ordered, but not terrible, so I ate it anyway. Sorry, Joe! I hope you liked mine!

At least that night I got to have a video chat with my besties. Once again, I say, "Thank you, Lord, for technology!"

And yes, I totally posed before screenshotting this and am unashamedly posting it.

3. On Wednesday, we decided to crack down on the girls and make them clean their rooms. Justin helped them for a while, then I took a turn. I ended up working on Lucy's room with her for 2 hours. And when I came out, I discovered that Levi and Lena had completely trashed the rest of the house. I lost my ever-loving mind. I rage-cleaned and slammed cupboard doors and yelled until the kids all hid in their rooms and basically acted like a two year old. Not my finest moment. It's just another side-effect of "quarantine." When we're all at home all the time the messes are all-consuming! And I'm not handling it well.

That night, I went to new lengths to both calm and entertain myself: coloring. I've never jumped on the "adult coloring books" bandwagon, but I found some cute printables on Pinterest, and figured I should probably be surrounding myself by scripture at a time like this. This is the one I started with:

I finished his face and hat, but never did the leaves. I'm still not crazy about coloring. I can't hunch over that long without my stupid hunchback hurting. (Printable can be found here.)

4. And then came Thursday. Le sigh. We were expecting it, but it didn't make it any easier when we got official word that our governor closed schools for the rest of the year. I snapped this pic right after breaking the news to the girls:

Lena collapsed to the floor in shock, but is actually thrilled not to have to go back. Lucy is devastated. And I'm right there with her. The girls both loved their teachers this year and I'm sad that they got shorted of having them for a full year. I'm sad for all they'll miss out on: Lucy's genealogy presentation and recorder concert, Lena's last field trip, Grandparents' Day, Lucy's birthday, etc. And yet, we have to keep up with their education at home. The teachers are doing the work of restructuring the curriculum, finding new ways to teach virtually, and doing their best to reach out to the kids and parents through all of this. But it comes down to me to make the girls do their work. This is exactly why I hated homeschooling. My favorite part of homeschooling was actually the planning and prep-work. My second favorite part was not paying tuition. But since the teachers are still doing so much work and the school still has to pay the bills, we still have to pay tuition. Sigh again. It will be ok. Like I said last week, the ridiculous amount of unemployment we're supposed to be getting will take care of us just fine. It's just a hilariously awful irony that I'm getting the worst of both worlds: doing the homeschooling that drove me to madness while paying the big bucks we thought was going to rescue me from madness. 🤦🤦🤦 (Although the most recent email I got from school explained that we'll be able to finish schoolwork by mid-May and be reimbursed for tuition for the month of May, so at least there's that!)

At least Thursday was a beautiful day. Lucy spent most of it cooped up in her room mourning, but Lena and Levi enjoyed it for a long time.

I enjoyed soaking up the sun for a while, but it's still not quite warm enough for me.

5. Friday was another absolutely gorgeous day. And I got to leave the house to go grocery shopping!! It's amazing how much that improved my mood - even if it is a little dystopian to be weaving my way around people with masks and gloves in the aisle of the grocery store. I picked up some groceries for my parents, so I got to stop and talk to them for a little while too. I'm beginning to doubt my introvertness more and more the longer this thing drags on. I need people. That night we had a family bonfire (in an approved burning receptacle, so just settle yourselves down).

Kid after my own heart.

Again, those pictures are the highlights. We all probably sat by the fire for 15 minutes. Then Lucy hurt her ankle on the trampoline and Lena started getting bitten by mosquitoes and everyone melted down. I really really hope that the highlights of the happy memories we make as a family outlast my kids' memories of me slamming cupboard doors and screaming at them.

6. Last night the kids went to bed well (after I slathered Lena's bug bites in hydrocortisone cream of course), and I was able to cozy up on the couch and read all night. I went to bed thinking, "I can do this. We're hitting our stride. Maybe this quarantine thing is actually kind of nice. We don't have anywhere to be tomorrow. I can read, get some cleaning done, play games with the kids." That's what I get for being an optimist I guess. Today was awful. Absolutely awful. Lena can not handle mosquito bites. She ended up with 3 or 4 on her legs. It's not like she's covered in them. Or as I may have yelled at her today, "They are mosquito bites, not shark bites! You're going to survive!" She cried/wailed/screamed/whined alllllll day about those stupid bites. To the point that I offered her Benadryl, hoping to alleviate her itchiness, but also hoping it would just knock her out so we could have some peace. (Of course, she wouldn't take the Benadryl because it's cherry flavored and she doesn't like that kind.) Lena and Levi were at each other's throats all day, and when Lena wasn't crying about her bug bites, she was screaming at Levi for touching/looking at/breathing on her. Lucy got mad because she only got to watch TV for 2.5 hours this morning (only?!) and I wouldn't let her watch anymore until 3:00. Then at dinner time she stomped to her room and slammed the door because we don't have any hot dogs and "why didn't you buy any when you were at the store yesterday??!!" And I lost it. I just snapped. I locked myself in my room and sobbed. Why can't I handle this? Why is this harder for me than everyone else? My friends are all inconvenienced, but not freaking out. I feel like I'm totally out of control. I feel helpless to change and then I panic because this isn't normal and what am I doing wrong, and am I literally having a mental breakdown? And how am I supposed to fix it? How do I get rid of these feelings of despair and intense anger? Where did we go wrong with our kids? How do I fix that? Am I even a Christian? Do I really even love Jesus? Sure I know all the answers, and can debate theology, and quote scripture, but does it mean anything to me? I hate myself so much in every facet of my life. And how many times have I said this? How many meltdowns like this have I had? How many whiny blog posts have I written? How much more medicine can I take to contain this beast that just seems to keep growing?

I understand, logically, that a fair amount of triggers are present at this time. I didn't sleep much last night, I'm hormonal, the world is in utter chaos, and there has been a lot of unexpected/unwanted change in my life. But that's true for everyone. Why am I the only one who can't handle it?

So that's how I'm dealing this week.

I don't know why it's so important that I share the nitty gritty. I know no one wants to hear it. I know I'm a major whiner and my life is beautiful and so many people have it so much worse. I know that I'll be embarrassed for being such a drama queen in a few days when my emotions settle down. But I feel compelled to share anyway. Maybe because writing is cathartic and helps me process. Maybe because I'm hoping someone else will reach out and admit, "You're not alone. I'm losing it too." Maybe just to be an encouragement to those of you not losing it that, "Hey - at least you're not as messed up as me!" Anyway, there it is. You have to have come to expect it every few months by now, right?

7. A few more pictures:

I changed this a few days ago. Now it just says #stayhome forever.

I've been watching Heidi Clum's new design show "Making the Cut" and this chick is one of the judges. She's apparently an icon in the fashion world. But look at those eyebrows! Maybe I should let mine grow wild (which is what will happen if this "essential business" thing goes on much longer!). It seems to be the look!