The Saturday 7

1. On Monday, I went to Bible Study for the first time in a couple weeks. Up to that point, I'd been nursing Levi once in the morning and once before bed. But Bible Study is at 7, and he doesn't go to bed 'til 8, so I wasn't sure what to do. I decided just to skip the feeding and see how he did. He slept all night! So I tried it again on Tuesday and the same thing happened! Woohoo! Down to one feeding a day, now.

2. We had a crazy wind storm this week. Our whole area was under high wind warnings, but because we live in the middle of a field, we feel it even more intensely. It was insane. I could hardly walk out to my car. Lucy legitimately got knocked down by the wind trying to get into the house after school (it was traumatic). I couldn't get my car doors open. And things were blowing everywhere! This is our neighbor's silo that blew across the field!

3. So it was pretty inevitable that we'd lose power. It went out at 11:30 am on Wednesday. The kids and I went to the library, Wendy's, and Meijer (they all had power), picked up Lucy from school, then came home and started a fire in the fireplace to stay warm. It is hilarious to see how the girls react to not having power. It boggles their minds that they can't use the Internet. Lena kept saying, "I want to watch Netflix. What about YouTube? Ok, fine, I'll just watch TV." When I explained that none of those things would work, she exclaimed in frustration, "Well how am I supposed to watch?!" Haha. #firstworldproblems Fortunately, they had AWANA at church so they didn't have to sit home and be bored all night. We debated going to Justin's parents' house for the night, but decided to tough it out at home. It's really not that bad. I just hate not being able to flush the toilet, and the fireplace can only keep the house so warm. But we piled on the blankets and slept fine all night. On Thursday morning after dropping Lucy off at school, we headed to my sister's house for warmth and wireless Internet. But our power came back on at home by noon. Woohoo!

4. I read two more books this week: The Captive Heart by Michelle Griep and Wild Montana Skies by Susan May Warren. They were both good. Much better than my failures of last week. The craziest thing was how similar the storyline in Wild Montana Skies was to A Carol for Kent that I read last week. They both had to do with a famous country star finding out he had a kid from a one night stand years after the fact. And the reason he didn't know was because the baby's grandparents had lied to him, so the mom thought he willingly abandoned them in both stories. Wild Montana Skies was much better done, though.

5. I've been struggling with depression again this week. I am so, disgustingly lazy. I hate myself for it, but I feel powerless to change. I sit in my chair with the computer on my lap while Lena watches her 4th episode of Strawberry Shortcake and think, "Wow. I'm a miserable excuse for a mother. I should get up and do something." But I don't. And then I just fall into my downward spiral of, "I'm never going to change. I'm a worthless human being. My kids will only remember me as the woman who yelled at them from behind a computer screen. My husband must hate me. God is so disappointed in me." Blah, blah, blah. Logically, I can recognize it as depression. But I can't figure out what triggered it . . . or what to do about it. The weather has been decent, my circumstances are unchanged, I've been sleeping. I don't know what is causing the sudden onslaught (could dropping one nursing session wreak that much havoc on my hormones?). And I'm terrified that my Zoloft isn't working as well as it used to. I'm already on 100 mg. I don't want to take more. I already feel a little bit numb. There have been some really sad events in the lives of my loved ones recently, but I don't even shed a tear. I've been joking that I'm too highly medicated to cry, but I'm worried that it's true! And if I'm 100% honest, I'm a little bit frustrated that God doesn't change me. Haha. How sacrilegious is that? I'm just annoyed that I've been fighting this same battle for so long. I've been a SAHM for 4 years now, but it's still a constant war of telling myself, "Get up off your lazy butt and play with your kids. Shut your computer and go fold the laundry. Clean your bathroom more than once every 3 weeks." Why doesn't it get easier? When I beg God to change my heart and take away my laziness, why doesn't he? #scaryhonesty

6. In more sad news, Levi has come down with some kind of awful sickness. He woke up from his nap on Thursday an absolute wreck. We couldn't figure out why he was crying or what he wanted. As the night wore on, I noticed he was feeling warmer and warmer. He was up most of the night whimpering and coughing. Yesterday, he was feverish and coughing/snotty, but still played with his toys and had happy moments. But today he has been absolutely miserable. He can only stay awake for about an hour at a time. He won't eat or drink (I think his throat hurts from coughing so much). His fever is hovering around 102, despite ibuprofen. He just wants to lay on me and moan. :-(

He actually fell asleep on me, which never happens!

I finally got him to take a couple sips of juice and eat some blueberries and a squeezy, so hopefully he won't get dehydrated. I'm hoping this is the worst of it, and he'll be on the mend soon!!

7. And now a few pictures to redeem this depressing entry: