Emotional Turmoil

I found out I was pregnant on December 9, 2011. I was overjoyed . . . and terrified. [Xanga entry about my terror here] We had been trying for a couple months. I had prayed that God would let me get pregnant in his timing - when Lucy would be ready to be a big sister and when Justin and I would be ready to be parents to 2 kids. So when it happened that quickly, I was nervous, but confident that God had a plan. I didn't expect his plan to include a miscarriage.

Justin and I agreed to keep the pregnancy a secret until Christmas. We told his parents on Christmas Eve, and I made this to announce it to my family on Christmas morning:

I was only 6 weeks along, and knew it was a little bit of a risk to announce it so early, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity for a Christmas surprise. I took a video of Lucy unwrapping the picture frame and Niki crying when she realized what it said. It breaks my heart, now, to watch it. It breaks my heart that the shirt Lucy's wearing in the picture probably won't actually fit by the time she really will be a big sister. It breaks my heart to think of putting that picture frame away.

I cried over all those things on Saturday night as I realized I was losing the baby. But then my sadness turned into anger. I started into the "why me's." Why me, who has wanted a baby since I was 16 years old? Why me, who did things right: got married, waited a couple years to be stable, then got pregnant. Why me, who loves being pregnant and loves the baby phase? My family has had their share of unplanned pregnancies - both immediate family and extended. Actually very few of my cousins with kids got pregnant on purpose. And to my knowledge, no one in my family has ever had a miscarriage. So why me - who wants these babies so badly??

Ok, here's where the pity party ends. I know that I am entitled to nothing. I know that I have been blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby who is the light of my life. I know that God works out all things for the good of those who love him, and as long as sin is in the world, life is going to be unfair. But knowing all that doesn't necessarily make it any easier! Haha.

That said, I'm really doing very well. I said this with the first baby, too, but it's still true - as bad as it sounds, I didn't have too much of a connection with the baby yet. I hadn't heard its heartbeat, or seen it on an ultrasound, or felt it move. And especially after my first miscarriage, I kind of guarded myself against getting too attached. Mostly I'm just frustrated that we have to start over.

Although I don't think we'll try again right away. I don't want a Christmas baby, and I'm slightly traumatized by the ER/D&C experience and don't want to do that again anytime soon!! My follow up appointment is February 8th. I assume we'll get the results from the testing then.

Thanks, everyone, for all the prayers, support, and encouragement. It really means so much to us. We're so blessed by all of you.