The Saturday 7

It was kind of a rough week . . . but it had the potential to be worse! Haha. #optimism

1. Monday started with a bang . . . literally as I fell down the stairs rushing around to get the girls ready for school. Fortunately, I slipped more than tumbled head over heels. Unfortunately, I attempted to catch myself by grabbing the top step with my left hand and the railing with my right hand. But my body kept going, so I strained a bunch of muscles in my arms and shoulders. Some of those muscles are still sore! Ouch. And, actually, the reason I was running down the stairs was to switch over a load of laundry. Levi had puked at midnight the night before, and I didn't stay awake for the washer to finish, so I wanted to get it in the dryer before leaving for school. Apparently I did a bad job of removing the vomit debris, though, because when I opened my front-loading washer, there were tiny little hot dog pieces allll over in the washer - including that flexible front part that catches hair and other nastiness. So I spent 10 minutes picking regurgitated hot dog pieces out of my washer. At least they were clean? Blech. Then Lena cried the whole way to school that her belly hurt and she needed to stay home. I finally gave in as we pulled into school, so we just dropped off Lucy and went home . . . whereupon Lena was totally fine for the rest of the day and didn't complain once about her stomach. Little did I know, that was just the beginning . . . more on that later . . .

2. Part of the reason this week wasn't as bad as it could have been is because of the book I've been reading: Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen. A friend shared it on facebook a few weeks ago, and after reading the description, I immediately ordered it for myself.

Are your thoughts holding you captive? I’ll never be good enough. Other people have better lives than I do. God couldn’t really love me. Jennie Allen knows what it’s like to swirl in a spiral of destructive thoughts, but she also knows we don’t have to stay stuck in toxic thinking patterns.

In Get Out of Your Head, Jennie inspires and equips us to transform our emotions, our outlook, and even our circumstances by taking control of our thoughts. Our enemy is determined to get in our heads to make us feel helpless, overwhelmed, and incapable of making a difference for the kingdom of God. But when we submit our minds to Christ, the promises and goodness of God flood our lives in remarkable ways.

The tagline of this book is "Stopping the spiral of toxic thoughts" and it strongly resonates with me. Something I've tried to articulate to my counselor is that when my depressive "episodes" start, they dig their claws in and send me into a spiral that I feel helpless to climb out of. It's been so encouraging to read this book and find some concrete and practical ways to combat the spiral.

I was going to flip through the book and share some of my favorite quotes, but there are so many that it'd probably be considered plagiarism to copy them all here. And I haven't even finished it yet! Ha! I probably should finish it before I endorse it in case the last 1/4 is full of heresy or something, but what I've read so far is solid and honestly has the potential to be life changing. I highly recommend it.

3. I got to put some of the techniques I've been reading about to use this week. I'm starting to recognize that Thursdays and Fridays are hard for me. I watch Ruby on Mondays and Wednesdays, and it's not like she adds so much work to my day, but it's something. Tuesday is usually when I run errands, make my weekly meal plan, and do housework. By Thursday, it's just Levi and me, I've done my weekly chores, and I'm feeling bored and restless. I had been going to Ladies Bible Study at church on Thursday mornings, but Levi hates the childcare and I'm so sick of fighting with my kids to go into their classes that I just gave up. Especially because if he passes his preschool testing on Tuesday, he'll be going to school next year and I should be spending as much time with him as I can now. I ended up filling Thursday with more housework and then Levi talked me into taking a walk with him. It was still a little too cold for my liking, but going on a "walk" with Levi is more like him running and me walking briskly to keep up, so that kept me warm enough. And it was really nice to just let him choose where we go and stop to look at dirt piles and trees with funny bark and pick up cool sticks. Plus I won't deny that the fresh air and exercise was good for me.

His puppies had to go on our walk as well. Here he has one tucked under each arm as he books it to the end of our road.

Waving at the cars with his cool stick.

"Take my picture next to my stick in this dirt pile!"

4. By Friday, though, I was feeling emotional and restless again. Thursday night and Friday morning were rough for reasons I'll elaborate on in a moment, and I just felt like I needed people. If I stayed isolated in my house all day, I'd only spiral deeper. (Technique #1 from the book: community is essential for getting out of your head) So I texted my group of mom friends asking if they wanted to go to storytime at the library with us . . . and they all said no. Lol. So I got to employ Technique #2: stop believing lies. I don't want to write this, because my friends all read my blog, and I don't want them to know my ugly thoughts. But I assume that most women will relate to where my thoughts went next: They never want to do anything with me. They probably hang out together without me all the time. Am I the only one who ever initiates playdates? Probably because they don't want to play with me! Probably because I'm a depressed and ornery whiner. I wouldn't want to play with me either. Full Stop. No. I have to take those thoughts captive and "speak truth" into my life. (I hate that cheesy phrase.) The truth is that my friends are busy moms with busy lives. The truth is that I invited them half an hour before storytime began. The truth is that I tell them no sometimes too. The truth is that I knew when we decided to send the girls back to Algoma that I would miss out on some of the "homeschool group" stuff and feel left out (which is stupid). Levi and I went to storytime anyway, got lunch on the way home, and avoided spiraling into depression!

5.- 6. Ok, these last two points are going to be on the thing consuming my life lately, and they're going to be long, so feel free to scroll to the end for pictures. This is largely for my records (and slightly a plea for help).

Lena's anxiety has gotten absolutely out of control again. When I picked her up from school on Friday, the secretary let me know that Lena had been down the office complaining of a stomach ache, but she didn't have a fever, so she just took it easy the rest of the day. She was fine all weekend, but when she vehemently complained about her stomach again Monday morning, I decided to keep her home just in case she did have some kind of bug. All kinds of nasty gunk is going around, and I didn't want her to needlessly infect anyone else. When she was fine all day at home, I made her go to school on Tuesday. She came home ravenous, pulled out her lunchbox and proceeded to eat her entire lunch . . . at home . . . at 3:30 pm. When I asked why she didn't eat at school she said her belly hurt. On Wednesday, again, she didn't eat, and she ended up in the office. Thursday at 2:45 as I was about to head out the door to pick her and Lucy up, I got a call from school. Same song, second verse. By then I was starting to wise up to the problem.

Thursday afternoon she refused to go to ballet, citing that pesky stomachache once more, but then all evening she begged me not to make her go to school on Friday. I realize what this looks like. And I have drilled her every way imaginable to find out if something happened at school that makes her want to avoid it. But every time she insists that she just misses me so much that it makes her belly hurt and then she can't eat lunch and then she's hungry so her belly hurts worse!

Remember that book I've been raving about? Thursday night, I decided to sit down with Lena and go over some of the strategies I've been learning. One thing that stood out to me is from Philippians 4. Any Christian who's ever struggled with anxiety knows this verse:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

But what struck me was realizing that another verse I know well directly follows Paul's instructions about anxiety:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

Not only do we have to get rid of our anxiety (through prayer and thanksgiving), but we have to replace it with thoughts that are true and right!

So I read those verses to Lena, then broke it down into 4 steps: 1. Stop being anxious (more a call to recognizing you're spiraling than truly turning off the worry). 2. Pray - ask God to take away your fear and anxiety. 3. Be thankful - think of three things you're thankful for in this moment. 4. Think truth. Remember scripture. Remind yourself of the truth instead of going down the path of fear and lies.

She sat next to me crying and trembling for over an hour as we discussed scripture and came up with techniques to retrain her brain not to go into that fight or flight response. By the end of it, she had calmed down significantly and I breathed a sigh of relief . . . for about half an hour. By bedtime, she was back to wailing despondently!!

Didn't we just do this? Remember her epic meltdown at the beginning of the school year? That I understood to a certain degree. That had a clear trigger of leaving homeschool to attend traditional school again. This time, it's coming out of nowhere. I can't pinpoint the trigger. I so want to be compassionate - especially because it's my fault she feels this way in the first place. The anxiety gene is strong, my friends. But again, anger is my automatic response. I'm fairly good at hiding it in front of her, and I'm really really trying to show her grace and love, but it's so frustrating!

She begged me to let her stay home all of Friday morning, sobbed through brushing her teeth and getting her coat on, didn't touch her breakfast, and wailed the entire way to school. Part of me wanted to give in and say, "Fine. Just come home with me." But that will not solve anything. So I had to tough love it (and this is where sometimes I think my anger is a gift - it helps me not to be a softie.) I was really worried that we'd have a repeat of the great 2019 Meltdown and someone would have to peel her off of me inside the school, but I pulled her out of her seat, sat in the van and prayed with her, then set her outside and got back in my van. She tried to climb back in a couple times, but I pushed her toward the door and our wonderful secretary recognized my struggle, so she ran out to coax Lena inside. I drove away and didn't look back. She did ok on Friday. Her teacher sent me an email that she was doing well, participating in class, and acting more like herself. But the first thing she said to me after school on Friday was, "I don't want to go back on Monday." And that phrase has been on repeat all day today.

But wait! There's more! Today, my sweet nephew Tayton and his girlfriend Madi offered to take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese. Justin and I were so excited to go on our first kid-free date in months, and the kids were so excited about Chuck E. Cheese . . . until Lena's eyes got wide, she grabbed my arm, and said, "You're coming with us, right?" And when I told her no, the waterworks began anew. I told her about it at 9 this morning, and she wept and whined and moaned and begged until 2:30. Finally, she agreed to go as long as I drove her, went on my date with daddy, then came right back to get her. At least that was the plan until we got in the car . . .whereupon she started freaking out again. We drove to Chuck E. Cheese anyway. She and I went inside and watched all the other kids having fun. She begged me at least 16 more times to go with her, and when I declined each time, she finally said, "No. I won't do it" and ended up on our date with us. She can't even go to her favorite place in the world with her siblings and two adults who she knows/trusts/adores if I'm not with her.

My sister asked if I've mentioned this to her doctor, but you guys, I was just at the doctor with Lucy because she has such weird issues. It really feels like a parental failure thing to go again a month later with another kid with major issues! The internet diagnoses Lena with "Separation Anxiety Disorder" and is full of super "helpful" articles like this one:

Most of what I've read said to seek treatment if the symptoms persist for more than 2 weeks. So I guess I'll peel her off of me for one more week before I humble myself and beg the doctor for more help.

Wowza. I wasn't kidding about that being long. Basically, we need prayer . . . and possibly pills . . .

7. Pictures!