Sunday, June 1, 2014

5 Years

Today marks 5 years since I lost our first baby. I was so excited to find out I was pregnant. I took the test in Chase and Lyla's bathroom and was shocked when the positive result popped up. On my way home from work that day, I bought a digital test because I didn't believe the line test. The word "pregnant" appeared almost immediately and I stood in the bathroom with tears in my eyes. 

I was determined to keep it a secret and do all kinds of fun reveals. I knew I should have waited to hear a heartbeat or something, but I couldn't resist revealing on Mother's Day. So we told everyone. They were all so excited for us and I was on cloud nine. 

I was so shocked to start bleeding at 9 weeks. It was bright red, which I knew was a bad sign. It was the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend so I had to wait to go to the doctor. Justin came with me to the ultrasound. I remember the tech saying the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and there wasn't a heartbeat. I don't think I was ever offered a D&C. I was already passing it on my own, so I figured it'd be over soon. 

Miscarrying was the most painful experience of my life. I didn't realize it would be so similar to labor. I had "contractions" - waves of pain coming every few minutes that left me writhing on the couch. My sister finally picked up my prescription for me and I got some relief. I remember she brought me cheetos and Dr Pepper and get well balloons. Later, my mom came over with Chinese and watched Gilmore Girls with me. Justin's parents got me a beautiful plant, and his grandparents sent the sweetest card with an Olive Garden gift card.

The fear was the worst part. My mom and sister had both gotten pregnant with ease - usually when they didn't want to. Haha. Neither of them had ever lost a baby. I couldn't imagine why it was happening to me. I immediately started wondering if I'd ever be able to carry a baby to term - my greatest desire since I was a little girl. 

I also experienced a fair amount of anger. I was doing everything right. I got married first. We waited 4 years until we were financially stable. I had multiple family members who were having babies out of wedlock. Why was I being punished?

I got pregnant with Lucy two months later and many of my fears were relieved. But at the beginning of June every year, I remember that first baby. We didn't find out the gender. We never gave him/her a name. But he/she is not forgotten.

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