Saturday, August 15, 2015

8 Weeks

How far along? 8 weeks
Total weight loss/gain: started at 143
Maternity clothes? Trying to hold out until 12 weeks, but doing the rubber band trick on a lot of my jeans already.
Sleep: It’s weird. I’m exhausted all day every day, but it takes me about an hour to fall asleep every time – whether for a nap or at night.
Best moment this week:
Movement: Nope
Food cravings: Fizzy, fruity drinks.
Food aversions: Pretty much everything.
Gender: ?
Labor Signs: None
Belly Button in or out? Half and half
What I miss: Feeling good
What I am looking forward to: Feeling better, hearing a heartbeat at my 12 week appt.
Milestones: Nothing really

I feel miserable. Usually, I feel okay most of the day, and then around 4:00 the nausea starts to hit me. Today, I feel like my gag reflex is working overtime just to keep the puke down – and has been since about 9 am. I never actually puke, but sometimes I wonder if it would be better just to get it out.

I’ve been feeling bad since 6 weeks on the dot. It is seriously the worst. I know, logically, that it could be so much worse. I’m not puking. I can eat and drink. But I am constantly nauseous. I spend most of the day lying on the couch in agony. I sleep way too much and ignore my children, husband, and house. The guilt is overwhelming.

I’m also super nervous about keeping this baby. I had an ultrasound at 5w,4d that just showed a little blob, but a steadily beating heart. (102 bpm) And while I technically miscarried my last babies and 9 and 10 weeks, they both measured 6 weeks, so I feel like this one could’ve died after the ultrasound and I wouldn’t even know it. My next appointment isn’t until 12 weeks! With Lena, I got ultrasounds at 7 and 9 weeks for my peace of mind. No such luck this time. Just waiting, waiting, waiting. I try to take comfort in my plethora of symptoms, but then I worry that my body wouldn’t know if the baby is dead or not. As long as it’s still in there, my body will continue to make hormones or whatever that make me so sick. I’m terrified of sharing the news and then finding out a week later that the baby is gone. So I’ve been trying to keep my mouth shut, even though I’m perpetually miserable and getting bigger every day. Not sure I can keep it in for another month!

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