Saturday, November 14, 2015

The Saturday 7

1. I had a rough week depression-wise. Ladies' retreat was great, and I came home feeling inspired to be a better mom, to show God's grace to my kids, to dive into His Word. I think Satan decided to make it difficult for me from the get-go. Monday morning, Lucy was being belligerent. I snapped at her before we even left the house. I had to physically drag her to the car. I had to carry her into her classroom, the teacher had to peel her off of me, etc. On the way to school, while she was wailing in the car, I had the foresight to pray and ask God to show me how to respond with grace. I immediately had the thought that I should apologize for snapping at her, then pray that she'd have a good day. So when we got to school, that's exactly what I did. When I finished praying, she screamed "Never pray for me again!" and I left feeling so defeated. I got home, sat down to do my devotions and saw the headline was, "Letting Go of Harshness and Anger - Walking in Patience and Kindness." Ha! 

I've really been struggling with my anger lately, I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones, extra testosterone from this boy, or just my plain ol' sinful nature, but anger is my immediate response to most things these days. So the chapter in my devotions was timely for me. Something that stuck out to me was this phrase: "Part of patience involves remaining faithful to our commitments and responsibilities even when our efforts don't seem to make a difference." (Walking with God in the Season of Motherhood. Pg. 150) I felt like I failed God that morning when my efforts to apologize to and pray with Lucy were met with hostility. It was a good reminder for me that even though my efforts didn't change her attitude, it didn't mean they were in vain. 

2. Usually I struggle through a couple days of depression and then I start to feel better. This week, it lasted allll week long. I'm so tired and so cold all the time. Our heat isn't working, so we've been using the fireplace as our sole source of heat. It really only keeps one room warm, and the rest of the house is still freezing. I despise being cold so much. It's also been windy and nasty outside, so we've been hunkering down inside. We didn't even get out of our pajamas Thursday or Friday. Ha. While that sounds fun, it's not great for my depression. At one point, I decided I'm not cut out for motherhood. But I really don't want a full time job either. I just want to be one of those people who's too depressed to function in society and just lives at home with their parents and watches TV all their lives. Doesn't that sound fun?

3. The good news is my girls have been playing soooo well together. Lucy didn't have school on Friday, so they've been soaking up their time together. I feel like I complain so much about their behavior and how depressed I am and dwell on the "woe is me" a lot. I was thinking again about dying and how at least my girls could read my old blog entries to remember me by. But I don't want them just to read all the bad stuff. So this point is devoted to the good - to how much I adore my girls. They are wonderful and hilarious and usually very well-behaved. Lena is a major snuggle bug. She loves to lay in my bed with me every morning. Even though Justin is gone by the time she gets up, she still insists on laying on my pillow and resting her head against mine. She loves to give hugs and say, "I love you, Mommy!" She's a total goofball and I don't think she's going to be nearly as shy as Lucy. She loves to jump and do somersaults and sing and be just like Lucy. Yesterday she kept insisting that she wanted to "go outside and have an obstacle course." I was so confused, until it finally dawned on me that she meant "popsicle" not "obstacle course." Lol. And Lucy amazes me every day with how old she's getting, the concepts she's grasping, the questions she comes up with. She's taking off with her reading. I love to see her reading to Lena and figuring out books that are beyond her reading level. She's started to read signs and labels and anything she can sound out. She's blunt and hilarious and says the funniest things. She wants to be a doctor and a fashion designer and a mommy when she grows up. She loves to draw and create things with play-doh and play imaginary games with Lena. She still loves to cuddle and still tells me she loves me and I'm her favorite. Although lately, she's been saying, "I wish Niki was my mommy and you were my aunt." Haha. They are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and while it's hard at times, I cherish staying home with them and having a front row seat to their firsts, their questions, their tears, and their joys. I wouldn't trade it for the world.



4. One of the discussions I had with Lucy this week was about fear. She's not a fan of the wind. We live in a field and the gusts this week were out of control. Every night after we put her to bed, she'd come back down crying that she was scared. Finally, one night, I just laid in bed with her and told her that I used to be afraid of the wind too. I tried to assure her that she will grow out of her fears someday just like I grew out of [many of] mine. And we had a good talk about God watching over us and knowing what's best for us. I told her that I pray Psalm 34:4 for her: "I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." I told her a little bit about how the author of Psalms (David) was afraid, but God delivered him from his fears and he can do the same for Lucy. I don't write all this to show what a great Christian mom I am. It's mostly a reminder to myself that God is answering my prayers. He's giving me words to say to point Lucy to Him, and helping me use what I've been through to help her. I read these great Christian parenting books and think, "Yeah right. I'll never be able to talk to my kids like that," but God is helping me. 

5. On a much more frivolous note, I've been getting some killer deals this week. Kohl's is my favorite store ever. I got 4 more sleepers for Baby Boy for $14. Then on Wednesday, they had all kinds of stackable coupon codes and I went crazy with the online shopping. But I got some awesome deals for Christmas and a few more cheap outfits for the baby. I just laid them all out on my bed and decided I have a stripe-obsession. Haha. I'm not crazy about dinosaurs or "Mommy's Little Rookie" baseball outfits or dump trucks, so I gravitate toward stripes. Prepare yourself to see this baby in a lot of striped outfits. 

6. I picked up my new glasses this week. What do you think?

I actually got done-up for a wedding today, so I threw on my glasses to get a picture for you all. I'm not really wearing them out and about yet because I'm still adjusting. I wore glasses for one year in high school before switching to contacts, and never went back. So my glasses prescription was over 10 years old. But it's old enough now that I don't dare drive while wearing them and I can't really even see the TV from my bed, so I decided it was time for a new pair. The eye doctor did not warn me about the adjustment period with the new ones. It is sooo disorienting. Every time I put them on, I feel like everything around me is moving. The other day I was washing off the table and actually thought to myself, "Has the table always slanted down like that?" It is the weirdest feeling. So I've been trying to wear them for a few hours every day. Any longer than that and I get so dizzy and nauseous I can't stand it! Stupid vision. I'm so jealous of people like Justin who can just wake up and see. I'm as blind as a bat without some kind of corrective lenses. Hopefully our kids all get Justin's eyes!

7. Well as has become custom, I can't think of a seventh, and this is already dreadfully long. So I leave you with this hilarious picture via Pinterest. I laugh every time I see it:

2 comments:

  1. Love the glasses!! Love how you say and talked with Lucy about fear! Such a great, reassuring time for her. God is so good! Thankful He gives us what we need in those moments! Awesome to hear about Lucy's reading!! I wish Presley wanted to read. It's a battle! I know it will come in time. ...if you need to get warm this week, come on over. ;) love you Sadie Joy!! -Kel

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